I’ve been silent on my blog for quite some time because I was keeping a big secret–being pregnant. God taught me so much through the physical and emotional changes, but Matt and I were keeping it a secret until we surprised our families with the news at Christmas. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to revel in being open with the news for very long when we lost our baby just before New Year’s. Suddenly everything was different again and all of my meditations on being pregnant seemed inappropriate, except for this one.
A few months back, Matt and I went on a prayer retreat to pray about our next steps, specifically, what we’re supposed to do together. I was chagrined to read Psalm 127 because I realized it wasn’t just a coincidence that I was praying about what God wanted Matt and I to do as a ministry and the subject of children came up. I’ve been scared for years about having kids–that it would take away my ability to do things I loved and that it wouldn’t be worth it. I felt like God was asking me to give up everything I wanted and follow him (P.S. it’s such a different experience to read Jesus’ words than it is to apply them)!
After much wrestling with God on the subject, I was convinced of 2 things. 1) My life belongs to God. If I try to cling to the things I want & expect for my life, I’ll lose them, but if I lay them down for his sake, I will find real life. 2) Having children was the right thing for us to do.
My heart completely changed on the matter and I was fortunate enough to get pregnant right away.
Being pregnant, I realized how little control I had. I could eat the right foods, exercise, rest, and take care of myself, but I had so little control over that process. My continual prayer became to place it in God’s hands. “God, you called me to have children & I trust you. I trust you with them and with my life.”
The night before I miscarried, I was worried about my doctor’s appointment the next day and I prayed once again, reminding myself that God was in control and that letting go of any illusion of control. “God, I know that you love this child more than anyone else ever possibly could. I know his/her life is in your hands and I trust you.” With that prayer, I felt an overwhelming peace.
The most powerful, comforting thing I could do was to let God be God.
The next day, my doctor told me something was wrong and that I would miscarry. I did. Once the physical pain subsided, I found myself having to navigate grieving such a private, hidden loss. I’d spent a couple months reorienting my life to preparing to be a mother and in a blink it was all “normal” again. I was surprised at how much it hurt (and continues to hurt) emotionally. Honestly, it sucks.
In the days since then, I’ve still found that the most powerful, comforting thing I could do was to let God be God.
I don’t presume to know why things happened the way they did, but I know that God is still on his throne. I know that God loves both me and my child more than anyone else ever possibly could and that he grieves with me. My prayer still is, “God, I know I’m your child. I know my life is in your hands. This hurts; nevertheless, I trust you.”