You may not know this, but I can see a lot about what brings someone to my blog and what they look at once they’re there. I don’t see anything identifying [except when someone from Italy reads my blog. Hi, Danielle!] just statistics. A couple days ago, WordPress told me that someone looked at this post from 2011. Kudos to that person who waded through dozens of posts to arrive there!
Curious as to what it was about, I re-read it. I winced when I read the first paragraph, “I don’t know that I’m going to ever go back to eating sweets.” If that were the case, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I was ashamed to realize that someone read a post that exposed the fact that I didn’t get it all together four years ago.
In talking with people about the weight loss program I’m doing, I’ve heard several people mention that they or someone they know did it and gained some or all of their weight back. That thought terrifies me. I really want to be different at the end of all this, but what if I’m too far gone?
With that question fresh in my mind, I heard this song when I got into the car today:
If you didn’t listen to it, go back and watch the video. Seriously.
I needed to hear that. I needed the reminder that even though I’m responding to God’s call in getting healthier, he doesn’t love me any less when I mess up.
My natural response to my failure is shame because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that this time will be the last straw. I’m afraid that I’m worse than other people. I’m afraid that even God might throw up his hands and declare me beyond help. So I hide by refusing to ask for help and forgiveness. When I re-read my post, I wanted to quit writing about losing weight, just in case it didn’t stick. I wanted to go back into hiding so I didn’t look foolish.
God knows that we all have that response, which is why his word says:
For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”
Grace means I am not a slave to perfection anymore. I don’t have to be afraid of being human because in Jesus, I am God’s daughter. Grace is abundant and forgiveness is real. There is no such thing as too far gone according to the Cross.
I ended my previous post with, “I will cling to God to satisfy me and comfort my fears [about letting go of sinful habits]. It honestly feels like letting go of a trapeze and reaching my arms out in faith that God will be on the other side to catch me. Easter reminds me that he can, and will, catch me.”
Today I’m reminded that whether I let go willingly or fall down because I can’t hold on anymore, he’ll still catch me.
So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are