Having a baby has made me poignantly aware of time. My day is marked by times: bath time, walk time, nap time, oh-god-why-are-you-awake time. On a larger scale, time to rotate out another set of too small clothes happens all too often. I admit, sometimes I’m surprised by how sentimental I get knowing Thomas will never wear certain clothes again. Every time I pack up outgrown clothes, it feels like time is slipping away.
Sometimes I resent being a parent, as all-consuming as it is. I long for the time when I could focus for hours on end, without distraction because I feel like I never have enough time to get stuff done now. Clean laundry sits in the basket. Dirty dishes in the sink. Projects I long to do at work are unfinished. Always a growing to-do list. I feel like I’m failing as a parent, as an employee, as a wife. Everyone wants time and there just isn’t enough to go around.
Tom is an intrusion to my life, but I’m realizing how desperately I need to be distracted. I need to be pulled out of work and tasks and see the world around me, especially the people around me. I’ve had the exact same amount of time in a day that I do now, but now I realize how little it has always been. I’ve never had as much time as I thought I did, so I wasted much of it.
As I walked with a sleepy-but-fighting-a-nap Thomas on a lovely Springlike day a couple weeks ago, I realized what a precious gift it was to be outside to enjoy the sunshine and crisp breeze in the middle of my workday. What a gift to be “distracted” and to have time to experience the world around me. I’ve always wanted to make the most of my time and do as much as I possibly could. Now I’m beginning to realize that making the most of my time is to embrace the distractions and be present in the moment that God has given me. What peace I find when I stop trying to control every area of life and just enjoy the journey for what it is!
Now it’s playtime with Thomas.